All Hallow's Eve: 2nd Place Winner "Is That You, Frankie?"

Ray never really believed in ghosts. He enjoyed watching scary flicks or documentaries about paranormal activity, but he always did it gleefully, thinking that it was all made up anyway. If they did exist and haunt people, he needed more proof. He even used to wonder about his reaction if he ever saw one. His instinct told him that his life would never be the same. His opinion about death was not formed either. Whether people continued living as spiritual beings in a different realm or not was yet to be discovered. Pursuing undergraduate studies in Humanities and Arts at the San Jose State University in California intensified Ray’s uncertainty. He understood that dying is part of the process that all individuals must go through. For example, many cultural and historical figures had died. His grandparents had also died, which was expected since they were sick and relatively old. But, he wasn’t near when that had happened, so it didn’t affect his perception. He was also aware that many members of his community had either committed suicide or been killed, but that had only moved him enough to feel compassion or frustration. Yet, no one closer and of more relevance to him, such as parents, siblings, or friends had died. So, it had not been possible for him to come up with the realistic explanation he was looking for. Last winter life took an unforeseen turn. Ray needed a haircut to look and feel more professional. So, he asked his younger brother Ronnie to help him out. Ronnie had developed a skill cutting his own hair and was practicing with every male in the family. Ray decided to give him a chance. Both siblings met at their parents’ home one evening. It was a pleasant family reunion since none of them hang out together often. Each had a busy life, and a few disagreements divided them even if passively. Their parents were Christian, and both siblings had been affected differently by their upbringing. Ronnie had three daughters and was married for the second time after having tried with a bunch of previous girlfriends unsuccessfully. Ray had gone in an opposite direction that neither his brother or his parents were fully supportive of. Ronnie and Ray tolerated each other, but they were also cautious of each other’s temperament and abrupt communication style, which had caused them contention since childhood. Still, they took this opportunity to check on each other’s doings and well-being. Suddenly, as the brothers were talking about each other’s relationships, Ronnie became solemn and a bit quiet. “Guess who died,” he challenged Ray to answer. Ray thought that this was one of those jokes that his brother was constantly making, so he didn’t take him seriously at first. “Come on, Ray, guess who died,” Ronnie insisted. “I don’t know. Who?” Ray replied, starting to feel a bit irritated yet hoping that it wasn’t true, or that it wasn’t anyone dear to him. Ronnie asked: “Remember that funny, short, and very flamboyant guy you used to go out with?” Ray felt a bit of guilt going through his list of past affairs given that he had met more than one guy who met that profile. Yet, he was more puzzled trying to identify one that Ronnie could be aware of. Ray was convinced that his family only knew two more formal partners. “I don’t know who you’re talking about, or who you may know that I’ve gone out with,” Ray asserted. But, Ronnie was obnoxious and persistent. He refused to let this subject go. “The Cuban one I saw you with, the one they call Frankie, your boyfriend,” Ronnie said. Ray had a mental image of the guy his brother was mentioning and made a weak connection of how Ronnie could know him. “He wasn’t my boyfriend” Ray protested. “Of course, he was. I saw you two together,” Ronnie insisted. Ray couldn’t quite remember how or when his brother may have seen him with that guy, but it didn’t matter. The news about his death impacted him. From that moment, Ray experienced a confusing longing, remembering all the memories he had built with his Cuban friend who was now dead, from how they met to the things they did together. Frankie worked as a server at a local restaurant Ray used to go to with a girlfriend, when he was still trying to live a heterosexual life to please his parents. Back then, Ray used to be uncomfortable with Frankie’s joyful personality and exaggerated mannerisms, exhibiting so much freedom and confidence. Later, when Ray had decided to accept his authentic orientation, he discovered that Frankie was part of the local LGBTQ community. Everyone seemed to know him, and he was celebrated by many. Ray felt jealous of the praise that Frankie achieved almost naturally. One time, they found each other at a party in their mutual friend Manny’s house. Ray felt awkward to be outed at first, but Frankie reacted with his usual lightheartedness and said, “I knew it!” That same night, they ended sharing the same bed, but Ray decided that there wasn’t chemistry between them for something to happen. Another time, when Manny and they went on a trip to Las Vegas, Ray got drunk and pretended to kiss Frankie. Frankie took this as evidence that Ray did like him. Ray distanced himself from Frankie after that. They kept greeting each other at clubs and parties, but Ray avoided establishing any formal connection. Instead, he would find other boyfriends and partners while observing that Frankie was never pursued by other guys despite his charming personality. In a way, Ray felt sorry that Frankie never seemed to find someone to love him for who he was although everybody wanted to be his friend. That’s how Ray remembered him. So, hearing of his death disturbed him. Frankie was the soul of the party wherever he used to go. His absence would not be ignored by anyone in the LGBTQ community of San Jose or outside of it. On one occasion that Ray requested service from a transportation company, the driver and he started doing small talk. It turned out that the driver knew Frankie, so they talked about him. The driver reported more details about Frankie’s death that Ray’s brother had not explained earlier. Until this point, Ray had assumed that Frankie had died due to some disease, including AIDS perhaps. The driver, though, informed him that Frankie had died in an accident while driving to Las Vegas with some friends. Ray expressed that, even though it was sad, he understood that something like that could have happened to someone like Frankie who was often drunk and careless. Ray imagined Frankie being silly with his friends moving around in the car while the music was playing loud. Ray’s remarks unsettled the driver, who reported that the accident had not occurred due to drinking, that the car had impacted by another, and that Frankie had ended crushing the window and jumping out unexpectedly. Frankie was the only one who had died. Some days passed, and Ray had tried to accept the fact that Frankie was not around anymore, but he couldn’t. The city did not seem the same anymore. Something was missing. Spring and summer went by without excitement. Acquaintances at nightclubs seemed to be mourning Frankie’s departure. Yet, Ray couldn’t understand why this was affecting him so much. He started feeling guilty. It had been better to see Frankie enjoying himself as usual and having fun with friends than knowing that he was not physically present now. Deep inside, what troubled Ray the most was to be aware that Frankie had never been loved by a boyfriend or partner like he had. All in all, Ray was still able to manage the current state of events until one night, when he had a dream in which he saw Frankie. Everything felt so real that Ray forgot to be sleeping. Instead, he saw himself at their usual club, heard the music playing, and saw people dancing. Everything seemed normal. Even Frankie was there. For an instance, Ray felt relieved to see him doing well and knowing that whatever he had been told was not true. For once, Ray was deeply wanting to hang out with Frankie and spend time with him like never before. Nothing else mattered but them, together, with no insecurities, no pretenses, no rivalry for attention, and no other people who could get between them. “I’m so glad to see that you are so happy as always,” Ray said wholeheartedly. “Not really,” Frankie replied. “Why not?” Ray asked concerned. “Because I’m dead,” Frankie answered all covered in blood and disfigured due to the accident. Ray woke up feeling panic and sadness at the same time. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t even breath. He was gasping. It was worse than any other horror movie he had ever watched. This felt real. He finally grasped what it was to have someone close die. It wasn’t pretty or funny at all. It wasn’t peaceful either as his religious parents had proposed before. He discovered that there is something about death almost too difficult to describe in words, like a dark emptiness that combines all the worse emotions that can be expressed in this world: sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, loss, fear, desperation, and more. Ray started calling out Frankie and asking to be forgiven for his constant indifference towards him, if he could hear him, wherever he was. Ray’s realization of death didn’t end there. During Halloween season, he began experiencing strange phenomena. Noises bothered him more than usual as if his hearing had become intensified. He hated the sound of cars and motorcycles driving near his apartment especially. These seemed so disrespectful. Knowing what had happened to Frankie, he resented how so many people drive around showing no regard for others, not even themselves sometimes. Unidentified noises spread through his apartment. He wanted to ignore them or find some logical explanation for them, but these resonated more every time as if to get his attention. Strange shadows would also appear in the walls as he tried to rest, but he refused to become paranoid or schizophrenic. One evening, a presence felt too strong, and Ray could not continue dismissing it any longer. He could only associate it with hid dead Cuban friend. As he was typing an entry for a writing contest, he finally developed some courage and asked out loud, “Is that you, Frankie?” Suddenly, he felt peace. The shadows disappeared and the noises weren’t as annoying. The message: “FRANKIE’S DEAD” appeared in the screen in blood red font color.